I've Moved!

For those of you still interested in my life, I've shifted over to a new blog in hopes of actually posting somewhat consistently.  You can find me at hollayouclown.blogspot.com!

I'm a dirty filthy Liar

......sorry.

I keep thinking about how much I need to post but it's only second week and I'm in way over my head.  I HAVE A TEST NEXT WEDNESDAY! It's all too much, but i'm 70% sure I'll be blogging sometime really late tomorrow night- I'm helping do a 24 hour play fest; I'm producing, therefore will not be getting any sleeping done.

Too much clowning in the pants.

I promise I'm still alive and loving every second of this trip, which is why I'll be telling you about it when it's all over. Don't worry, I've been keeping a journal- so it will still be pretty good stuff (I hope.) 

In the meantime, chill out. 

Sitting in the Terminal

 

It's finally here. My trip to Costa Rica. I'm through security and baggage (luckily they let my bag come as carry on. It's a little heavy, but I don't want to worry about it). I'm definitely more calm than I e been about this entire trip. Getting my tickets and keeping my bag as a carry on was the worst. And packing. I was worried if forget something or pack too much, but I think I've got it all figured out. 

Now I'm just worried about the Spanish. It's been so long since I've spoken/understood it. And everyone's speaking it. I'll be alright though, I think I'm good enough to get by. I jut hope I catch my transfer in Panama. 

One day Fringing

I finally got to use my free tickets from the volunteering I did last week, and I think I used them well.  For the most part.  I saw to one-man shows and a beautiful piece that got the encore spot at the Music Box (where I worked last Tuesday).  I saw this one weird one man cowboy show with a complete lack of clarity or storyline.  It was the oddest piece of theater I think I've ever seen, but I think a fringe experience isn't complete without a completely terrible show.  Even so, the last show I saw completely made up for it.  The last show was a great combination of movement, music, innovation and story line.  The story revolved around a grandfather, which made me think about my own past Grandfather.  I've been thinking about him quite a lot recently, and seeing this story unfold brought me back to many of the memories I've been thinking about lately.  He was such a magnificent man and shared so many wonderful stories and moments with me.  I'm still adjusting to the idea of being in Texas this christmas, instead of Elmhurst is a very large adjustment, but I am beginning to look forward to the change, as I will get to spend time with the other side of the family for a while and creating new memories.

On the note of memories, and the making thereof, a good friend of mine just created a blog!  Portia is pretty cool and we do tons of random stuff together- we're rooming together next year, so it's only bound to get crazier!

Reading by the light of the bathroom

So here's a nice view of my Friday night. Me attempting to read hamlet (for the third time. And failing, again. This time I'm blaming the footnotes, they don't even have numbers and its extremely irritating). You see, I work on weekends. Usually I don't mind too much because I do so many things during the week, but it really takes away from the time I can spend with friends. And Matt actually texted me today asking if I was free, and I haven't seen him all week! I got excited until I remembered that I was at work. And I also haven't been able to go up to the trailer with Linda at all this summer, which would be loads of fun. 

Ugh, I just realized that I'm complaining that I have a job. That's not ok I'm going to stop. 

Thoughts from the other night

I want to take a picture of this moment.  Not just a visual picture, but an image conveying the entire feeling and subtext of the moment.  I know it would never convey everything completely.  The moonlight streaming into my basement window of my aunts house at the start of my new found motivation.  Listening to an old song that makes me think of creativity and unity while sinking into my last cup of sleepytime peach tea, verifying a new lifelong routine.  My sister sleeping peacefully beside me while the possibilities of Ikea and scholarship applications and Target shopping sprees weigh on my chest.  The immeasurable combinations of  thoughts and ideas that could result. Still the moonlight glows through the sheer curtains and I feel peaceful for the first time all day.

New confidence found downtown

So last night, I went to a bar.  Alone.  I wasn't going to meet anyone, I didn't know who was going to be there- other than that it was Volunteer appreciation night for Minnesota Fringe.  As I walked in the door I ran into my old house manager and sat with a bunch of his friends.  It was pretty great- I actually got to chat and meet a bunch of people I didn't know and I wasn't that awkward about it!  Once I warmed up (and had half of my beer) they were all very easy to talk to.  It was also great to talk to a few boys who, while too old for my taste, were straight, nice, funny and again, straight.  It's unfortunate that I find that comforting, given how many great guys I meet who are gay and completely uninterested in me.
On a related note, I worked downtown yesterday and felt comfortable walking to and from my car alone.  I was super nervous about getting lost or people noticing me, but everyone is very focused on themselves so they didn't notice my bright yellow shirt wandering on Hennepin.  It was really nice, knowing after one night that I know I can handle myself alone in a large city and in a bar where I don't know anyone.  Definitely is calming me about going to Costa Rica and also about moving to a new city or reaching out in new places.  I think this is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Officially beginning the freak out. I've notified the public.

So, I just sent out formal sounding requests for professors to write letters of reference for my Fulbright applicaiton, so it's real.  Apparently, there's about 7 things I should have done first, like talking to the host country and writing my essays, but I needed a reason to start it because I was feeling wishy-washy aout it but now it's real and I have to do all of these things.  Also my mother is visiting and was all
"shouldn't you be working on your Fulbright application?" and I was like
"what if it sucks and they laugh in my face" and she was basically
"suck it up and get shit done, Abigail.  You're better than this just finish it and send it it's good for you and builds character, also shouldn't you take the GRE and know what you're doing with your future by now your sister knows what's happening and she's three years younger than you and has a long term boyfriend and almost got a scholarship for being really motivated and you haven't done anything yet this summer you're a dissapointment get your shit together."
So, she didn't actually say half of it, actually any of it (there was something about the GRE and I should really start the application.  That was about it).  But the little voice in my head that's been mixing messages of "there's so much time" and "you're being lazy as fuck" has officially switched to "AWW SHIT YOU BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR YOUR GOING TO REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  START DRINKING COFFEE AND WRITING THINGS DOWN YOU SUCK AT LIFE RIGHT NOW."

So that's where I'm at on this lovely Monday evening.  Hopefully I actually get my stuff together ASAP or I might have a mental breakdown with the voices in my head. (for the record, these are metaphorical voices.  I'm pretty sane, just a bit frazzled).

I'm trying not to freak out but it's not really working

Reason's I'm freaking out:

• I'm going to Costa Rica
• With Patch Adams
• I'm flying by myself
• To hang out with Patch Adams
• Doing humanitarian Clowning
• That I've never done before
• I've never even clowned before
• Or flown by myself
• Or gone to a foreign country by myself
• My connecting flight is in a different country
• Both of those countries are Spanish speaking
• My Spanish is terrible now

ALSO

• I'm Applying for a Fulbright
• That I don't think I have a chance at
• It's so freaking competitive
• I think they'll get my application and start laughing
• And send me a letter detailing how it was a mistake for me to apply
• But if I get it
• I'll move to England for a year
• Which is awesome
• But also means leaving behind everything I know
• And also deciding on going to grad school, basically
• So I'll be deciding my future
• By applying to a program
• That probably won't accept me
• But I really want it
• And simultaneously start crying at the thought of being successful

(finds link to old blog under a pile of random bookmark tabs)

Oh crap.  I forgot this was here, and I think I've been needing it for a while.  I keep trying to start things on other websites and writing stuff in other forms, but I think this is still my best form of expression (and I'm completely aware it's mostly crap).  It just seems to flow better when I know that no one is looking.  The anonymity of it is exhilarating. So, I'm going to try to post more often.  TRY being the keyword there.  But who knows, maybe I'll build it into my routine, like running.

Seriously, I'm kind of a runner now.  I have sore legs and shin splints and everything.  Completely legit, I need to buy new running pants because the chafing was so bad today I had to stop early (sorry, TMI, but chafing is a serious issue with me, it's the reason I decided to start working out again).

So I'm going to backlog a few things on a quene or something (if I can figure that out), and hopefully post some new things now.  My life has been very....interesting...sofar this summer. (and yes I meant interesting in the slightly insulting way that people use when they are trying, and failing, to be nice about your choices).

Begin at the Beginning

Its happening.  The first production meeting.  My life gets more real every day.  Today I have the first production meeting for my As You Like It production next year.  IN NOVEMBER.  THATS 6 MONTHS. I started biting things earlier I'm so excited.  Yeah, it's weird, but so am I.  And my obsession with this play.  Now I get to make other people obsessed with this play.  I can't wait.  I can't think about anything else because I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED.  Ok, I need to calm down and not scare my production staff.  Or at least try.  But seriously AS YOU LIKE IT IS A THING AND IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT ALREADY I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT I'M GOING TO DO DURING REHEARSALS I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.  It's fine.

Returning to the bubble

For some reason, I just can't right now.  The sudden switch from the funeral this morning to improv dinner was too much for me to handle, and I just can't get myself to get anything accomplished right now.  I'm re assimilating myself into the bubble, and it's really difficult when I know there are so many things happening outside of it.  This summer can't come soon enough; I need to get back to the real world.  There's to many real things happening in my life right now for me to be stuck at school and trying to worry about exams and papers and projects when I want to be spending time with my Grandfather, or figuring out what to do with the rest of my life, or giving my Dad a hand around the house because I know he's dealing with entirely too much right now.  Also, I thought I was going to be fine yesterday with everything.  I was going to go to the wake and funeral to help support everyone else, but I think I need it more now then they do. It's just really difficult to walk through campus with people who have no idea of what happens in the real world we we aren't paying attention.  It's rather disgusting, actually.  But at the same time, when we know about everything outside it makes it impossible to concentrate on what we need to concentrate on.  Classes are infinitely more difficult to finish work for when you know, in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter.  At all, really.

I'm gonna play the dead grandma card

I can't believe I have to use it, but I'm going to.  Grandma passed away on Saturday morning, and I'm going down for services tomorrow and Tuesday.  I think it's more for Molly and Erin then for anyone else.  Maybe that's just 'cause I don't want to admit that I need the closure for myself.  Maybe it's because I want to deny that it's effecting me.  I hate it when people make excuses for that kind of things, cause I hate making excuses and not getting my own stuff done.  But me losing two days of productivity makes it impossible to write a decent 5-7 page paper, cause I'm still terrible at the 'actually sitting down and writing a paper for an english class' thing.  On the plus side, I am almost done with the readings for tomorrow.  I actually am reading a whole novella in a day.  Not gonna lie, I'm kind of impressed with myself.  But I shouldn't speak too soon, I've still got 10 pages left and I don't want to jinx it.  I also have to do a page response, but I'll probably wake up early to get that done.  I really should do it tonight though, then I don't have to wake up early tomorrow.   Also, I really need to start brainstorming for that paper, ugh.
Also, funerals suck.  I hate them.  I really don't want to have to see her tomorrow.  That makes it too real, and I don't want it to be real.  Can't I just wake up and it was all fake?  Please?  It works in all the shows I watch; I really need to stop watching so much fantasy.  It's not real life; people don't become vampires, they don't come back from the dead, they don't live forever.  They don't want to.  Then life would be without risk, and that's boring.  I know the whole "death is a part of life" and "they're in a better place" and "at least she went peacefully".  That doesn't make it better.  She's still gone, and I'll never tease Grandpa with her, she'll never ask me what my cell phone is for, or why I don't have a boyfriend.  I'll never see her Christmas morning, or on Thanksgiving.  None of my holidays will be the same.  Everything changes.

I knew this was going to happen, but that doesn't mean I was ready.

Catching Up

Grey Gardens closed yesterday after a completely sold out 3 show run.  It was intense.  I think I like calling shows more than any other part of SMing.  I feel so in control of the show I know exactly what is supposed to be happening in every aspect of the production, and while it's frightening as hell, it's also really cool.  I only had to trouble shoot a few things (one of the doors got accidentally locked, and some curtains got shifted too far.  Thank god for onstage butlers/servants/neat freaks.  You can get them to fix just about anything onstage if you need them to).  But now I'm coming down from my show high, and it's no good.  Mostly because I'm actually being forced to face all of the homework I haven't been doing for the past two weeks.  But it shouldn't be too bad.  I already got half caught up with British Writers, and I never got behind on Acting.  It's going to be Improv that's going to cause me problems.  That and the fact that I have a Writers paper due on Friday and I have no fucking clue what I'm going to write about.   That class makes me feel stupid sometimes, because I don't have the close reading skills that everyone else has (because they are all humanities buffs).  I'm definitely improving, but it takes me longer to pull things out of the writing.  I'll get there though, and I'm sure it will be a good thing to know how to do for, you know, life and stuff.

Falling Behind

It's week two, and I'm already over my head.  It's because tech is next week, but I hate just blaming it all on that.  I feel like I've been both better and worse about getting things done this term.  Sometimes I'm really productive and others I can't get shit done to save my life.  It's really tricky to balance all of these things.  Right now Grey Gardens is definitely taking over, but I'm trying to keep my academics honed in.  It's gonna get tricky when things pick up the pace.  I don't think my class load is as heavy as last term, but my extracurricular load is double.  It's being in an actual show, headmistress of LUMOS, applying for internships.  WAIT.  I didn't tell you.  I GOT A PHONE INTERVIEW! For my first choice summer Shakespeare camp in Virginia.  I'm super stoked.  I hope I do well.  I'm generally very good at interviews, because people can tell how excited I get for things.  And I can be like a;vian;aowSHAKESPEAREalvoenavielnaASYOULIKEITdafoiwevnlaeDYINGONTHEINSIDE;faivna;vi;an.  It will be great.  And if not, I found a few more arts camps I can apply for too.  I'll find something for the summer, I'm sure of it.  If I tell myself that enough times it will have to come true.

right?

Oozing Out

The crushing blow of my lack of part in Plough hit me with a vengeance today.  I had dinner with Maggie and some Kappas, (while feeling completely and utterly out of place, as they had spent all weekend in Bjork, and It's hard enough for me to relate to anyone these days) but Matt, Luke and Erik sat down next to us.  Of course, I was the smooth sucker and swapped tables (I'm pretty sure the girls didn't actually care, we were mostly done anyways), and realized how completely this show is made of all the people I want to spend show time with.  I want to bond with them, understand the jokes, speak in an annoying Irish accent all the time and gossip about how the show.  I just sat there feeling left out the entire time.  And I told them fervently how they need to make sure they invite me to the hang outs, but it won't happen.  So much of that is so spontaneous that no one would think to give me a call.  I'll end up sitting in my room reading something in middle English to pass the time.

On top of that, I had a meeting with Kirsten (who's in the cast), and she told me how the costume renderings make it look like I should be playing Bessie.  Which is the old lady who has all the spitfire in the world and dies dramatically at the end (spoilers).  So much of me just wants to go back in time and not do Gardens.  Ohmigod.  "You can't always get what you want" just came on my ipod.  This is why my life needs a constant soundtrack.  I think I just experienced the roller coaster of emotions from the week in a 10 second span of time.  Completely unreal.

On the plus side of all of these emotions, I feel like the whole emotionally disturbed artist in me might be on the horizon.  Luckily for my sanity, I don't want to get to that point.  I think I'm actually going to go get help at the counseling center.  This past week was too full of headaches and me resisting the urge to hold a constant drunk buzz is enough to make me seek some help.  It's that bad that I'm finally able to admit that.  That takes a lot. 

Holding it In

So, I will not be doing any acting this year.  I don't get to be a prostitute.  My ASM gets to be one, and I'm stuck with a headset that hurts my neck wishing more than anything that I could run onstage and take over for the actors, finally getting some obvious recognition.  I hate silent recognition.  The applause, the congratulations, the hugs.  Shit, I could use a hug right now more than anything.  I know I've been telling myself that it's better that I don't get a part, but I still wanted one!  I always do.  It sucks because my audition was awesome  and so was my callbacks.  I felt really good about both of them, and I heard it's because I'm to tall.  I'm always too fucking tall.  I hate that someone who's shorter than me will get a part just because they're short.  It's unbelievably frustrating, because I can't do anything to change my height.  So now I have all these thoughts running through my head and I have to sit in class for two hours and pretend nothing's wrong.  Put on a happy face and look like I'm glad to be there, when I want nothing else than to sit alone in the underground and have myself a good cry.  But I can't.  I never can, I have to hold it in, and put on a mask.

The Night Before

Cast list gets posted tomorrow.  My head won't stop racing with possibilities.  I could get a big part, a medium part, a small part, a part originally cast as a man, or no part.  I just can't handle it, these are the worst nights.  I really want a part in the show to build my dialect skills and put "I can speak in an Irish accent in a convincing and not offensive manner" on my resume, but at the same time, Grey Gardens is a very involved production for me.  But I need to start acting more, for the sake of my emotions.  Remember how I had to do a monologue to initiate my emotional breakdown in my closet last term? (I'm not actually sure if I mentioned that, but yeah.....that's a thing that happened, we're moving past it.  Hopefully I wont begin throwing laundry all over my room after cleaning it because my room didn't match all the madness in my head.  Hopefully I don't get to that much symbolism [or is it metaphor?] any time soon).  No matter the outcome tomorrow, I'll be fine.  My world won't collapse if I don't get a part, I will survive.  Probably a bit more healthily, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a spot.  I'm actually favoring the prostitute right now.  Its actually a pretty cool part,  you know, for a whore.

Spring Awakening

New term starts tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit anxious.  I'm not really sure how anything is going to go, other than Grey Gardens (which I'm SMing for, only because I feel so ahead of the game right now with a lot of it).  But auditions, and even my class schedule seems so unsettled right now.  I already feel like I'm scrambling and I haven't really done anything yet.  But maybe that's the current problem, that I haven't done anything yet.  I started unpacking and cleaning, but as usual I couldn't finish without watching 3 hours of pointless television and unnecessary distractions.  One thing I did do was submit my AYLI adaptation, but I'm not sure if anything will come of it.  I pray to anything that it does, because it would be incredible to get feedback from the RSC (or anyone, for that matter.  But especially the RSC.  Cause they're my dream).  I think I'm going to try to set some new goals for this term.  (You know, the ones I set every term and keep for the first two weeks because life is pretty easy and can't keep a hold of them once anything gets hard.  Those goals.)  I'm going to try this term (and yes, I say that every time I do this) to do the following things:

• Be on time for every class (8:28, not 8:32)
• Do all reading assignments on time (or before the next class period)
• Not watch any Netflix by myself
• Work out at least 3 hours a week (in anywhere from 20 min to 1hr sessions)
• Get all major assignments finished 24 hours before the due date (to allow for more careful editing and proper sleep schedules)
• Read for pleasure (Hopefully finish the Sherlock Holmes stories)
• Avoid the dessert station downstairs (maybe only 3 times/week)
• Clean my room for 5 minutes/day (no more climbing over dirty laundry)

Here's hoping that I can actually make a few better habits and get rid of a few old ones!

2000 Words Later

and I finished a lab report.  I never thought that I would actually be writing at this level for lab reports.  It took a lot longer than I anticipated, but I'm pretty sure it took me less time than the last ones.  I just remember dreading two page papers, and I just wrote an 11 page lab report on a frog nerve.  It's pretty incredible though.  Also, I'm exhausted.  I really need to get more sleep.

What a wonderful world

Turns out, auditions are kind of fun.  Sure my stomach is still doing flips (that's probably just because my day is still in its infancy), but once I got into the audition room, I was totally not freaking out.  It was really relaxing actually.  As I'm sitting here next to Sophie (who says hi, by the way) I'm realizing that I want to go into theatre because of the people.  Every person I've run into or interviewed with, or had workshops with yesterday has been really cool. I just want to talk shop with all of them, it's really incredible to see so many people so excited about the same thing.  That's the wonderful thing about the theatre world, no one is there unless they have to be.  This business isn't worth the struggle and pain unless it's something you want more than anything.  And if these past two weeks have told me anything, it's that I belong in this world.

And then my face exploded.

Lawrence just got listed as the 18th most rigorous college in the country, and it totally shows.  Of course they post this during midterms on a day where I physically don't have time to do everything that needs to get done.  I won't bore you with a list of boring details, but the best one is me finishing my As You Like it TO SEND INTO THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE COMPANY.  I'm still crying a little.  This weekend was totally a blur.  After meeting a ton of LU alumni, I was talking to a Broadway producer who's buds with Alan Rickman (go ahead, punch me) and he mentioned that RSC is currently cutting all shows in the cannon down to 70 minutes for a project (I can't remember which one quite yet) and said if I sent him my version he would send it to them.  It could be that they look at it and just never do anything with it, or they could end up using it.  RSC COULD USE MY CUTTING.  No lies, my life would be basically set if they did.  Not only in that I would feel accomplished beyond all reason, but I could get Shakespeare related jobs wherever, cause RSC is kind of a big deal.  So, it's completely understandable that I want to work on nothing else besides reviewing and editing my cut to send in.  Right?  Good.

Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?

To put it shortly, go ahead and desire it, just hope it never comes true.
To put it....long..ly?  I'm not sure how to phrase that.  Anywhoo, its snowing buckets, and I have too much to do.  Per usual.  I'm trying to figure out where to trim things off as well, but it's really difficult to figure out.  Especially since the first things I'd like to drop aren't really options to drop (ugh).  But I've been staying on top of things a little better recently.  Except for being an RA.  For some reason I can never manage to fit it into my schedule, it just seems like a bother now more than a fun thing, so I'm nearly positive that I'm not coming back next year.  Senior year will have enough stuff going on for me to stay plenty busy with other things, like honors projects and senior projects and helping with other peoples senior projects.  You know, normal things.

Found It

My sanity is back!  Yayyyyy!  This weekend was super crazy, but now its over.  Which is both happy and sad making.  Trivia was super fun, even though I only really played Sunday.  I should probably go back to Friday when the weekend started though.  Show went pretty well, then I went to play Trivia in Kohler.  I didn't stay long because I didn't really know anyone and I told Maggie I was gonna come say hey to the  crew, but they were already a few cups in (with blu drank, no less.  You don't want to know what's in blu drank).  Thankfully I ran into Claire before things got out of hand, and we ended up chilling in my room with Aric, wine and veggie chips.  Best life choice, we just listened to my new vinyls and chatted up the place.  Unfortunately for me I had some of the drank before the wine, so the next morning was not fun.  I ended up staying in bed until call for Dumb Waiter, half out of laziness and half out of necessity.  But I bounced back pretty quickly, and survived through both Waiter runs and a cast party, which I sill enjoyed.  I was worried because some alums I didn't know were coming, but we ended up taping mustaches to the TV and drinking whenever it lined up.  (new favorite thing, BTW).  Sunday was mostly trivia.  Lots and lots of internet procrastination.  I had meant to finish my application for an internship I really want, but for some reason I haddn't been able to get through it (probably because it feels like real life applying for actual summer internships).  But I also GOT MY UKULELE.  its the best thing ever.  I already have 4 times the callouses that I had when I was practicing on the soprano.
Today is a lot better.  My entire bio class got an extension on our lab until Friday (which I thought I was going to have to do completely tonight), I actually got some sleep last night and I finally applied for that internship.  I also found a few more online that I'm going to apply for.  Hopefully it will be a little easier because now I have a few stock resumes and personal statements and such.

On the Edge

For some reason, my emotions just decided to take a tailspin for the unnecessary.  My level of being overwhelmed just hit a new high, and it's not like I haven't handled this level of busy before.  It's just getting harder to handle it all.  There are too many things I have to do and not enough time to do it.  Believe it or not, the fact that I am picking up playing ukulele is actually what's keeping me holding on.  For some reason that odd little instrument is keeping me grounded in reality.  I just have to resist playing it all day.  Mostly because my new callouses hurt too much to play exorbitantly   Still.  I'm more excited to pick up the Uke I ordered on the 27th than I am to see the show I'm in tech for right now.  I know this post is a bit choppy and unorganized (but is that really too far from the normal one?), but I just feel like I can't handle too much more right now.

I think it started two nights ago.  Things usually don't go well when they start with a knock on my door at 2:00 am because two of my residents were in an argument.  So, then later yesterday I held an hour and a half long mediation between them to try and sort things out, which didn't lead to much of a satisfying conclusion.  I had a talk with my boss that night about what had happened, which turned into me talking about how messed up the extended family health is going right now (which is not well).  Ever since then, I've been easily shaken.  I can't tell if its the sleep deprivation or my emotions.  Or the two acting at once.  Either way, I'm not having too much fun with it all.