I'm gonna play the dead grandma card

I can't believe I have to use it, but I'm going to.  Grandma passed away on Saturday morning, and I'm going down for services tomorrow and Tuesday.  I think it's more for Molly and Erin then for anyone else.  Maybe that's just 'cause I don't want to admit that I need the closure for myself.  Maybe it's because I want to deny that it's effecting me.  I hate it when people make excuses for that kind of things, cause I hate making excuses and not getting my own stuff done.  But me losing two days of productivity makes it impossible to write a decent 5-7 page paper, cause I'm still terrible at the 'actually sitting down and writing a paper for an english class' thing.  On the plus side, I am almost done with the readings for tomorrow.  I actually am reading a whole novella in a day.  Not gonna lie, I'm kind of impressed with myself.  But I shouldn't speak too soon, I've still got 10 pages left and I don't want to jinx it.  I also have to do a page response, but I'll probably wake up early to get that done.  I really should do it tonight though, then I don't have to wake up early tomorrow.   Also, I really need to start brainstorming for that paper, ugh.
Also, funerals suck.  I hate them.  I really don't want to have to see her tomorrow.  That makes it too real, and I don't want it to be real.  Can't I just wake up and it was all fake?  Please?  It works in all the shows I watch; I really need to stop watching so much fantasy.  It's not real life; people don't become vampires, they don't come back from the dead, they don't live forever.  They don't want to.  Then life would be without risk, and that's boring.  I know the whole "death is a part of life" and "they're in a better place" and "at least she went peacefully".  That doesn't make it better.  She's still gone, and I'll never tease Grandpa with her, she'll never ask me what my cell phone is for, or why I don't have a boyfriend.  I'll never see her Christmas morning, or on Thanksgiving.  None of my holidays will be the same.  Everything changes.

I knew this was going to happen, but that doesn't mean I was ready.

Catching Up

Grey Gardens closed yesterday after a completely sold out 3 show run.  It was intense.  I think I like calling shows more than any other part of SMing.  I feel so in control of the show I know exactly what is supposed to be happening in every aspect of the production, and while it's frightening as hell, it's also really cool.  I only had to trouble shoot a few things (one of the doors got accidentally locked, and some curtains got shifted too far.  Thank god for onstage butlers/servants/neat freaks.  You can get them to fix just about anything onstage if you need them to).  But now I'm coming down from my show high, and it's no good.  Mostly because I'm actually being forced to face all of the homework I haven't been doing for the past two weeks.  But it shouldn't be too bad.  I already got half caught up with British Writers, and I never got behind on Acting.  It's going to be Improv that's going to cause me problems.  That and the fact that I have a Writers paper due on Friday and I have no fucking clue what I'm going to write about.   That class makes me feel stupid sometimes, because I don't have the close reading skills that everyone else has (because they are all humanities buffs).  I'm definitely improving, but it takes me longer to pull things out of the writing.  I'll get there though, and I'm sure it will be a good thing to know how to do for, you know, life and stuff.

Falling Behind

It's week two, and I'm already over my head.  It's because tech is next week, but I hate just blaming it all on that.  I feel like I've been both better and worse about getting things done this term.  Sometimes I'm really productive and others I can't get shit done to save my life.  It's really tricky to balance all of these things.  Right now Grey Gardens is definitely taking over, but I'm trying to keep my academics honed in.  It's gonna get tricky when things pick up the pace.  I don't think my class load is as heavy as last term, but my extracurricular load is double.  It's being in an actual show, headmistress of LUMOS, applying for internships.  WAIT.  I didn't tell you.  I GOT A PHONE INTERVIEW! For my first choice summer Shakespeare camp in Virginia.  I'm super stoked.  I hope I do well.  I'm generally very good at interviews, because people can tell how excited I get for things.  And I can be like a;vian;aowSHAKESPEAREalvoenavielnaASYOULIKEITdafoiwevnlaeDYINGONTHEINSIDE;faivna;vi;an.  It will be great.  And if not, I found a few more arts camps I can apply for too.  I'll find something for the summer, I'm sure of it.  If I tell myself that enough times it will have to come true.

right?

Oozing Out

The crushing blow of my lack of part in Plough hit me with a vengeance today.  I had dinner with Maggie and some Kappas, (while feeling completely and utterly out of place, as they had spent all weekend in Bjork, and It's hard enough for me to relate to anyone these days) but Matt, Luke and Erik sat down next to us.  Of course, I was the smooth sucker and swapped tables (I'm pretty sure the girls didn't actually care, we were mostly done anyways), and realized how completely this show is made of all the people I want to spend show time with.  I want to bond with them, understand the jokes, speak in an annoying Irish accent all the time and gossip about how the show.  I just sat there feeling left out the entire time.  And I told them fervently how they need to make sure they invite me to the hang outs, but it won't happen.  So much of that is so spontaneous that no one would think to give me a call.  I'll end up sitting in my room reading something in middle English to pass the time.

On top of that, I had a meeting with Kirsten (who's in the cast), and she told me how the costume renderings make it look like I should be playing Bessie.  Which is the old lady who has all the spitfire in the world and dies dramatically at the end (spoilers).  So much of me just wants to go back in time and not do Gardens.  Ohmigod.  "You can't always get what you want" just came on my ipod.  This is why my life needs a constant soundtrack.  I think I just experienced the roller coaster of emotions from the week in a 10 second span of time.  Completely unreal.

On the plus side of all of these emotions, I feel like the whole emotionally disturbed artist in me might be on the horizon.  Luckily for my sanity, I don't want to get to that point.  I think I'm actually going to go get help at the counseling center.  This past week was too full of headaches and me resisting the urge to hold a constant drunk buzz is enough to make me seek some help.  It's that bad that I'm finally able to admit that.  That takes a lot. 

Holding it In

So, I will not be doing any acting this year.  I don't get to be a prostitute.  My ASM gets to be one, and I'm stuck with a headset that hurts my neck wishing more than anything that I could run onstage and take over for the actors, finally getting some obvious recognition.  I hate silent recognition.  The applause, the congratulations, the hugs.  Shit, I could use a hug right now more than anything.  I know I've been telling myself that it's better that I don't get a part, but I still wanted one!  I always do.  It sucks because my audition was awesome  and so was my callbacks.  I felt really good about both of them, and I heard it's because I'm to tall.  I'm always too fucking tall.  I hate that someone who's shorter than me will get a part just because they're short.  It's unbelievably frustrating, because I can't do anything to change my height.  So now I have all these thoughts running through my head and I have to sit in class for two hours and pretend nothing's wrong.  Put on a happy face and look like I'm glad to be there, when I want nothing else than to sit alone in the underground and have myself a good cry.  But I can't.  I never can, I have to hold it in, and put on a mask.

The Night Before

Cast list gets posted tomorrow.  My head won't stop racing with possibilities.  I could get a big part, a medium part, a small part, a part originally cast as a man, or no part.  I just can't handle it, these are the worst nights.  I really want a part in the show to build my dialect skills and put "I can speak in an Irish accent in a convincing and not offensive manner" on my resume, but at the same time, Grey Gardens is a very involved production for me.  But I need to start acting more, for the sake of my emotions.  Remember how I had to do a monologue to initiate my emotional breakdown in my closet last term? (I'm not actually sure if I mentioned that, but yeah.....that's a thing that happened, we're moving past it.  Hopefully I wont begin throwing laundry all over my room after cleaning it because my room didn't match all the madness in my head.  Hopefully I don't get to that much symbolism [or is it metaphor?] any time soon).  No matter the outcome tomorrow, I'll be fine.  My world won't collapse if I don't get a part, I will survive.  Probably a bit more healthily, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a spot.  I'm actually favoring the prostitute right now.  Its actually a pretty cool part,  you know, for a whore.

Spring Awakening

New term starts tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit anxious.  I'm not really sure how anything is going to go, other than Grey Gardens (which I'm SMing for, only because I feel so ahead of the game right now with a lot of it).  But auditions, and even my class schedule seems so unsettled right now.  I already feel like I'm scrambling and I haven't really done anything yet.  But maybe that's the current problem, that I haven't done anything yet.  I started unpacking and cleaning, but as usual I couldn't finish without watching 3 hours of pointless television and unnecessary distractions.  One thing I did do was submit my AYLI adaptation, but I'm not sure if anything will come of it.  I pray to anything that it does, because it would be incredible to get feedback from the RSC (or anyone, for that matter.  But especially the RSC.  Cause they're my dream).  I think I'm going to try to set some new goals for this term.  (You know, the ones I set every term and keep for the first two weeks because life is pretty easy and can't keep a hold of them once anything gets hard.  Those goals.)  I'm going to try this term (and yes, I say that every time I do this) to do the following things:

• Be on time for every class (8:28, not 8:32)
• Do all reading assignments on time (or before the next class period)
• Not watch any Netflix by myself
• Work out at least 3 hours a week (in anywhere from 20 min to 1hr sessions)
• Get all major assignments finished 24 hours before the due date (to allow for more careful editing and proper sleep schedules)
• Read for pleasure (Hopefully finish the Sherlock Holmes stories)
• Avoid the dessert station downstairs (maybe only 3 times/week)
• Clean my room for 5 minutes/day (no more climbing over dirty laundry)

Here's hoping that I can actually make a few better habits and get rid of a few old ones!