Reading by the light of the bathroom

So here's a nice view of my Friday night. Me attempting to read hamlet (for the third time. And failing, again. This time I'm blaming the footnotes, they don't even have numbers and its extremely irritating). You see, I work on weekends. Usually I don't mind too much because I do so many things during the week, but it really takes away from the time I can spend with friends. And Matt actually texted me today asking if I was free, and I haven't seen him all week! I got excited until I remembered that I was at work. And I also haven't been able to go up to the trailer with Linda at all this summer, which would be loads of fun. 

Ugh, I just realized that I'm complaining that I have a job. That's not ok I'm going to stop. 

Thoughts from the other night

I want to take a picture of this moment.  Not just a visual picture, but an image conveying the entire feeling and subtext of the moment.  I know it would never convey everything completely.  The moonlight streaming into my basement window of my aunts house at the start of my new found motivation.  Listening to an old song that makes me think of creativity and unity while sinking into my last cup of sleepytime peach tea, verifying a new lifelong routine.  My sister sleeping peacefully beside me while the possibilities of Ikea and scholarship applications and Target shopping sprees weigh on my chest.  The immeasurable combinations of  thoughts and ideas that could result. Still the moonlight glows through the sheer curtains and I feel peaceful for the first time all day.

New confidence found downtown

So last night, I went to a bar.  Alone.  I wasn't going to meet anyone, I didn't know who was going to be there- other than that it was Volunteer appreciation night for Minnesota Fringe.  As I walked in the door I ran into my old house manager and sat with a bunch of his friends.  It was pretty great- I actually got to chat and meet a bunch of people I didn't know and I wasn't that awkward about it!  Once I warmed up (and had half of my beer) they were all very easy to talk to.  It was also great to talk to a few boys who, while too old for my taste, were straight, nice, funny and again, straight.  It's unfortunate that I find that comforting, given how many great guys I meet who are gay and completely uninterested in me.
On a related note, I worked downtown yesterday and felt comfortable walking to and from my car alone.  I was super nervous about getting lost or people noticing me, but everyone is very focused on themselves so they didn't notice my bright yellow shirt wandering on Hennepin.  It was really nice, knowing after one night that I know I can handle myself alone in a large city and in a bar where I don't know anyone.  Definitely is calming me about going to Costa Rica and also about moving to a new city or reaching out in new places.  I think this is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Officially beginning the freak out. I've notified the public.

So, I just sent out formal sounding requests for professors to write letters of reference for my Fulbright applicaiton, so it's real.  Apparently, there's about 7 things I should have done first, like talking to the host country and writing my essays, but I needed a reason to start it because I was feeling wishy-washy aout it but now it's real and I have to do all of these things.  Also my mother is visiting and was all
"shouldn't you be working on your Fulbright application?" and I was like
"what if it sucks and they laugh in my face" and she was basically
"suck it up and get shit done, Abigail.  You're better than this just finish it and send it it's good for you and builds character, also shouldn't you take the GRE and know what you're doing with your future by now your sister knows what's happening and she's three years younger than you and has a long term boyfriend and almost got a scholarship for being really motivated and you haven't done anything yet this summer you're a dissapointment get your shit together."
So, she didn't actually say half of it, actually any of it (there was something about the GRE and I should really start the application.  That was about it).  But the little voice in my head that's been mixing messages of "there's so much time" and "you're being lazy as fuck" has officially switched to "AWW SHIT YOU BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR YOUR GOING TO REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  START DRINKING COFFEE AND WRITING THINGS DOWN YOU SUCK AT LIFE RIGHT NOW."

So that's where I'm at on this lovely Monday evening.  Hopefully I actually get my stuff together ASAP or I might have a mental breakdown with the voices in my head. (for the record, these are metaphorical voices.  I'm pretty sane, just a bit frazzled).

I'm trying not to freak out but it's not really working

Reason's I'm freaking out:

• I'm going to Costa Rica
• With Patch Adams
• I'm flying by myself
• To hang out with Patch Adams
• Doing humanitarian Clowning
• That I've never done before
• I've never even clowned before
• Or flown by myself
• Or gone to a foreign country by myself
• My connecting flight is in a different country
• Both of those countries are Spanish speaking
• My Spanish is terrible now

ALSO

• I'm Applying for a Fulbright
• That I don't think I have a chance at
• It's so freaking competitive
• I think they'll get my application and start laughing
• And send me a letter detailing how it was a mistake for me to apply
• But if I get it
• I'll move to England for a year
• Which is awesome
• But also means leaving behind everything I know
• And also deciding on going to grad school, basically
• So I'll be deciding my future
• By applying to a program
• That probably won't accept me
• But I really want it
• And simultaneously start crying at the thought of being successful

(finds link to old blog under a pile of random bookmark tabs)

Oh crap.  I forgot this was here, and I think I've been needing it for a while.  I keep trying to start things on other websites and writing stuff in other forms, but I think this is still my best form of expression (and I'm completely aware it's mostly crap).  It just seems to flow better when I know that no one is looking.  The anonymity of it is exhilarating. So, I'm going to try to post more often.  TRY being the keyword there.  But who knows, maybe I'll build it into my routine, like running.

Seriously, I'm kind of a runner now.  I have sore legs and shin splints and everything.  Completely legit, I need to buy new running pants because the chafing was so bad today I had to stop early (sorry, TMI, but chafing is a serious issue with me, it's the reason I decided to start working out again).

So I'm going to backlog a few things on a quene or something (if I can figure that out), and hopefully post some new things now.  My life has been very....interesting...sofar this summer. (and yes I meant interesting in the slightly insulting way that people use when they are trying, and failing, to be nice about your choices).

Begin at the Beginning

Its happening.  The first production meeting.  My life gets more real every day.  Today I have the first production meeting for my As You Like It production next year.  IN NOVEMBER.  THATS 6 MONTHS. I started biting things earlier I'm so excited.  Yeah, it's weird, but so am I.  And my obsession with this play.  Now I get to make other people obsessed with this play.  I can't wait.  I can't think about anything else because I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED.  Ok, I need to calm down and not scare my production staff.  Or at least try.  But seriously AS YOU LIKE IT IS A THING AND IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT ALREADY I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT I'M GOING TO DO DURING REHEARSALS I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.  It's fine.