Begin at the Beginning

Its happening.  The first production meeting.  My life gets more real every day.  Today I have the first production meeting for my As You Like It production next year.  IN NOVEMBER.  THATS 6 MONTHS. I started biting things earlier I'm so excited.  Yeah, it's weird, but so am I.  And my obsession with this play.  Now I get to make other people obsessed with this play.  I can't wait.  I can't think about anything else because I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED.  Ok, I need to calm down and not scare my production staff.  Or at least try.  But seriously AS YOU LIKE IT IS A THING AND IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT ALREADY I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT I'M GOING TO DO DURING REHEARSALS I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.  It's fine.

Returning to the bubble

For some reason, I just can't right now.  The sudden switch from the funeral this morning to improv dinner was too much for me to handle, and I just can't get myself to get anything accomplished right now.  I'm re assimilating myself into the bubble, and it's really difficult when I know there are so many things happening outside of it.  This summer can't come soon enough; I need to get back to the real world.  There's to many real things happening in my life right now for me to be stuck at school and trying to worry about exams and papers and projects when I want to be spending time with my Grandfather, or figuring out what to do with the rest of my life, or giving my Dad a hand around the house because I know he's dealing with entirely too much right now.  Also, I thought I was going to be fine yesterday with everything.  I was going to go to the wake and funeral to help support everyone else, but I think I need it more now then they do. It's just really difficult to walk through campus with people who have no idea of what happens in the real world we we aren't paying attention.  It's rather disgusting, actually.  But at the same time, when we know about everything outside it makes it impossible to concentrate on what we need to concentrate on.  Classes are infinitely more difficult to finish work for when you know, in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter.  At all, really.

I'm gonna play the dead grandma card

I can't believe I have to use it, but I'm going to.  Grandma passed away on Saturday morning, and I'm going down for services tomorrow and Tuesday.  I think it's more for Molly and Erin then for anyone else.  Maybe that's just 'cause I don't want to admit that I need the closure for myself.  Maybe it's because I want to deny that it's effecting me.  I hate it when people make excuses for that kind of things, cause I hate making excuses and not getting my own stuff done.  But me losing two days of productivity makes it impossible to write a decent 5-7 page paper, cause I'm still terrible at the 'actually sitting down and writing a paper for an english class' thing.  On the plus side, I am almost done with the readings for tomorrow.  I actually am reading a whole novella in a day.  Not gonna lie, I'm kind of impressed with myself.  But I shouldn't speak too soon, I've still got 10 pages left and I don't want to jinx it.  I also have to do a page response, but I'll probably wake up early to get that done.  I really should do it tonight though, then I don't have to wake up early tomorrow.   Also, I really need to start brainstorming for that paper, ugh.
Also, funerals suck.  I hate them.  I really don't want to have to see her tomorrow.  That makes it too real, and I don't want it to be real.  Can't I just wake up and it was all fake?  Please?  It works in all the shows I watch; I really need to stop watching so much fantasy.  It's not real life; people don't become vampires, they don't come back from the dead, they don't live forever.  They don't want to.  Then life would be without risk, and that's boring.  I know the whole "death is a part of life" and "they're in a better place" and "at least she went peacefully".  That doesn't make it better.  She's still gone, and I'll never tease Grandpa with her, she'll never ask me what my cell phone is for, or why I don't have a boyfriend.  I'll never see her Christmas morning, or on Thanksgiving.  None of my holidays will be the same.  Everything changes.

I knew this was going to happen, but that doesn't mean I was ready.